Making a good baby joke is easy But the delivery is a bitch.

I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing….It didn’t take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women…

I like to stare at a Priest & say “You wore that same outfit last week” so he thinks I go to church every week & knows I’m on to his shit.

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies? *crowd goes wild B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES *crowd goes nuts B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Knock-Knock Who’s there? Meg White’s most intricate beat.

Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.

You know the kids that’d knock on doors and run away….? …they now deliver stuff for UPS

What do you call a horny skeleton? A boner *ba dum tssssssss*

Is your refrigerator running? Because I just might vote for it.

What’s the difference between a baby and baby Alien? One bursts into tears. The other bursts out of tears