Ever accidentally say ‘I love you’ to important business customers on the phone? Me too. I MEAN ME NEITHER.

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker* MOM: what do u say KID: thanks mr dog DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Being nice to the people you don’t like isn’t called 2 faced, its called growing up.

[picking a career as a kid] I just want to do something that matters [many years and jobs later] Oh right nothing matters

that show “Intervention” should just be called “Haters”

Just finished typing this tweet.

TIL that the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has it’s own version of the devil . . . You will know this fake Flying Spaghetti Monster by his name, for he is known as the Im-Pasta.

A threesome? No…if I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time I would go to dinner with my parents

Hello tumblr, I’m moon landing fictionkin

Iron Man Iron Man Does whatever an iron can Makes stuff hot Makes stuff flat Burns your hand Burns the cat Burns the house down . . Shit!