I made two New Year’s resolutions: my first is to stop procrastinating I’ll make my second one later

What was Philip Seymour Hoffman’s favorite album this year? Pure Heroine by Lorde.

At first I didn’t like beards, But then they grew on me

It’s a good thing that the Ghostbusters don’t charge a lot of money because if you couldn’t pay, they’d have to come back and re-possess your house.

My contact lenses just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can’t see sh!t.

If Neo would have taken the blue pill, The Matrix would’ve been the exact same movie, except he’d have had a hard on the whole time.

Pete Rose is really bummed that Major League Baseball didn’t reinstate him… he was gettin’ some great odds bettin’ they would

Tasteless but SFW What do you call a group of elderly virgins? Dried Cherries

Men love when you kiss their neck.. Just not when they’re driving And you’re in the backseat. And they don’t know you. Apparently.

My only fetish is for pasta I guess you could call it fetichinni…