My wife’s got a latex allergy, so I substituted the condom for a bread bag. Now she’s got a yeast infection.

What I’ve learned from twitter is that if I tell a joke to 1,300 people, at least 2 will laugh.

I love to have deep conversations at 12:59 I love those 1-to-1 conversations

What’s the difference between a pizza and a gym teacher? A pizza can actually feed a family of four.

Who hasn’t had Somalian food? Somalian children

Having anal sex in the splits… A hole body stretch.

A cannibal receives a call from his recently found brother. “What a relief! I thought I passed you on the side of the road the other day.”

Bob has 50 cookies. He eats 45. What does he have now? Diabetes. Bob has diabetes.

I have conversational ninja skills… People don’t notice when I’m talking.

What is an astronaut’s favorite meal? *Launch*