Did you hear why the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus shut down? Because the Trump administration is now the greatest show on earth!

I heard it was medically impossible for a quack doctor to make me straight But my chiropractor managed to realign my spine. He was kinda cute too.

Did you hear about the guitarist that got arrested? He was fingering A minor.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine… Somebody has to say it. GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?” My friend did it too “Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?” Yes. I literally just said that

Learner driver: What happens when everything’s coming your way? Instructor: You’re in the wrong lane.

This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

I put a sock on my doorknob To let people know I’m getting busy with another sock.

What did the fertilizer say to the grass? I’m the shit.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the opossum it could be done.