What’s the proper name for a continually chafed asshole? “Mr. President.”

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver] “ow” what’s wrong? “I got a splinter” may I see? “I guess so” delicious “pardon?”

Why don’t old men like old women? Ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Why can’t women be botanists? Because they’ll break the glass ceiling.

What do you call a secular humanist NGO? A non-prophet non-profit.

Quitting smoking was the easiest thing I’ve ever done… I’ve done it hundreds of times.

/r/Jokes won the International Green Awards! 96% recycled content.

I wonder if AM realizes how bad it sucks compared to PM and FM?

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Helium Walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don,t server noble gases here He Doesnt React