I want to open a gay poker bar. And call it “The space of AIDS”

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?” – Credit card chip inventor – Me, writing tweets

Have you ever smelled moth balls? How do you get his little legs open?

*playing poker* *my opponent smirks* “All in.” he says. *pair of aces* *I smile* *throws down a pair of Olsen twins* “Full House.”

What would an anime spinoff of Dora the Explorer be called? Swiper no Swiping

Dodgeball in gym class… because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

if you meet an american who knows anything about the metric system, you have met a drug user.

I’m 35 and I was out to eat with my 18 year old girlfriend. Everyone was giving us dirty looks. Eventually I got up and yelled at everyone “you are all ruining out 10th anniversary.”

Why did God create stock analysts? In order to make weather forecasters look good.

How do you keep a group of women from talking? Ask the oldest one to speak first.