You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.

Some of those Mardi Gras beads could serve a dual purpose. Don’t act like you hadn’t thought about it.

Where do mathematicians go to gamble? Sine city

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down” So, yeah, she’s mine.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and were in a fatal car crash, who survives? Bill and Monica, ooops I mean Melania!

Relax. If you didn’t want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write “tip jar” on it? Just for that, I’m taking my 15 cents back.

Don’t fire till you see the whites of their eyes. OH MY GOD THEY’RE CHINESE!

The Bat family were playing a game of “old maid” with a poker deck… Needless to say it was a never ending game. Everyone wanted the joker.