CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

My ex girlfriend had a dog. That thing was so crazy I ended up putting her down. But I kept the dog.

The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.

A patella throws a party Because he’s fun-knee

What did the cell say to his sister who stepped on his toe? Mitosis!

How can you tell when an Iranian boy has matured? They take the diaper off his ass and put it on his head.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? “It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night.”

What’s the worst thing about having sex with a Bulimic? She won’t swallow

“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. The trick is getting them in there.