So, Lieutenant Dan walks into a bar…

The worst thing about being in my 40’s is that I can’t get teenaged girls to sleep with me. It’s like being a teenager again.

Me: Quit talking down to me like I don’t know shit about technology! 12yo: Sorry… Me: That’s ok. Now fix the router.

Margaret Thatcher has only been in hell for half a day… …but she’s already sorted out Satan’s budget deficit, busted up the demons’ union and made Hitler cry during a debate.

What is the best kind of dog to ask for directions? A Chihuahua because it knows all the shortcuts!

Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what’s best for the company. Boss…. Me: I’ll take that promotion now.

My son wanted to go to Disney, but I told him little boys who ruin marriages don’t go to Disney.

What was Helen Keller’s favourite colour? Corduroy.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile (Im going to fucking hell. I shouldnt have laughed at this so hard.)

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.. But when I got home, all the signs were there.