What came before the Big Bang? The Big Foreplay.

What’s the first thing a cannibal does in the morning? Grab a cup of joe.

I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud… “It should. It was fresh ground this morning”

Why is sex like a bridge game? You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.

I was awakened with a blowjob today I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.

What do you call a thirsty cow? A watermeloin.. Don’t worry, I remember where the door is.

A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says, Doc, I’m horribly sick! The doctor looks at her and asks, flu? No, I drove here.

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

Did you hear about the slow chef at the speed bake off? He would have won if he had just a little more thyme.

How do you get out of tipping on a $100 order? Order to go. Seriously, fuck you if you do this.