I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? 7 Pirates are illiterate.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred? . . . . . The top ans was . . . . . GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra? He grows taller.

Isis isn’t cool… It’s radical!

At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 14 months old.

Angry mimes give each other the talking treatment.

Pretty nice 7 mile run, and I don’t even care that that woman passed me because her cane was like a whole extra leg that never gets tired.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket… With a blender How do you get them out again? With tortilla chips

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.