God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.

A judge had sex with an underage boy… Reports say the judge is not going to face any charges. He tried him as an adult

If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i’m a very Portant person to some.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

You know urine trouble, when You see members of the KKK, Black Lives Matter And Westboro Baptist Church together at the RNC… They are bound to piss each other off.

“Anybody here named Jeff?” Jeff: “Yes” Geoff: “Yeos”

Did you hear about Jared Fogle? He likes to eat a little *too* fresh.

Note from angry neighbor (above) and appropriate Army vet response (below)

So I used to sleep on my carpet… I’d have to say, it was a pretty flooring experience.

I beat my girlfriend at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that *I* choose the pizza toppings.