So I was sitting on the toilet this morning… …and I look over and see this huge spider. It scared the shit out of me.

Did you hear about the midget, fortune teller who was wanted by the police? It was a small medium at large.

I’ve been on this new Vodka diet. It’s great, I’ve lost 3 days already!

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me? ME: How do I access the WIFI? INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job ME: Is that all capital?

Is Google a Boy or a Girl? A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it *never ever* forgets what you said.

First thing Trump does as President… Is kick a Black man out of his house.

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page: 1. Delete your Facebook profile 2. Break your phone 3. Give away your laptop 4. Die

The elephant asked the camel: “Why do you have your breasts on your back?” The camel, clearly irritated, replies: “What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face.”

My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house

What’s it called when you try a different flavor of salsa? A change of pace.