The Model Her Garb was just pure Garbage, and she had a silly old Bag: she drank so much that we all went Dutch.-and of course she lost her Rag.

What’s the difference between America and a pot of yogurt? If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

“Where is the remote?” “All the way over there.” “Guess I’m watching this.”

Did you guys hear that Donald Trump met with the Bilderberg group? They are the Buildawall group now.

[party] ME: I’m uncomfortable BF: Just mingle ME: Do I introduce myself? BF: We’re at your family reunion

A man walks into a bar and the bartender says: I think you’ve had enough already.

I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”. If it were a good morning I’d still be in bed instead of talking to people.

I just went to the apple orchard with my girlfriend… My only complaint was I didn’t get to be in cider.

What are the two saddest words of the English Language? ‘What party? ‘

Sometimes when I say “I’m ok”, I just want someone to tell me: “I know you’re not, here, have a million dollars.”