My doctor says I’m not eating a balanced diet…that’s absurd. I eat as many cookies with my left hand as I do with my right!

You can’t trust anyone you meet online I went on a date with a guy I met online last week and stole $250 from him

How do you get heaps of pikachu on to a bus? You pokemon

What do you get by cross-breeding a jehovahs witness and an atheist? Someone who pointlessly knocks on the door.

Whats 6’2″ and doesnt work? My moms van, its been sitting on blocks all summer you racist bastard.

What do you call a bear that can’t win? A Chicago Bear

I got banned from my chiropractors office. Apparently its not “appropriate” to ask for a happy ending.

“Oh holy shit, what the hell is this!” -people who request songs on the radio discovering the internet for the first time

My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do? Take his bike away.

Why is eastern europe filled with strippers? Because they like Poles.