I farted in my wallet now i have gas money.

What did Hillary say when she bumped into Barack Obama at the White House? Pardon me.

I just realized that I get most of my news from Twitter. So… someone remind me what Pres Bieber’s health care bill will do to your mom?

You think YOUR economy is bad? Around here the hookers are giving free blowjobs just to get something hot on their bellys!

It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU

What’s the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm read for free

Her: “Is that you in your avi?” Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

I only wanted one Duran.

What’s the only positive from living in the ghetto? Pregnancy tests

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.