My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car But I didn’t want to hear his Saab story

I made a miniature lemon-lime pie… It was a little tart

Why did the wine critic get kicked off the nudist beach? Because he was walking around with a semillon (semi-on)

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Did you hear about the lesbians that built a house yeah, they didn’t get any studs, it’s all tongue and groove

What did one hand say to the other? “Help, I think I’m in glove”.

dave is coming over “normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know” [from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave “noooo

dry skin? flaky scalp? discoloration? scaling? tongue bifurcating all by itself? hissing? legs fusing together? recently evicted a gypsy?

What did the sign say at a strip club Business doing pleasure for you

Think about the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about you. Not really true, right?