My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me I’m going in.

My dad happens to be an umpire at a restaurant. So whenever somebody order pancakes, he immediately screams “Batter up!”

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

A man falls over and lands on a globe. He heads to the doctors. The doctor asks what’s wrong. “I’ve got this spain in my arsehole.”

boss: trouble at home? me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah boss: wife giving you grief? me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

A fly just blew up in my room I’m scared it might be a Jihadi longlegs

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?