How does a vampire enter his house? Through the bat flap.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over? Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

What is a Dolphins favorite ingredient? All porpoise flour.

What soup weighs the most? Wanton soup. I’ll leave now.

Q: Why isn’t Barney the Dinosaur allowed to drive? A: Because everybody knows — tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It’s their kids who cause all the trouble.

A group of programmers painstakingly made a small underground passage, that somehow got smaller if it was used too often. They called it the Carpal Tunnel

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

What do you call a penny with Jesus on it? J.C. Penny

Just went to a really emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers