“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyonce?” *Kanye slowly sits down*

Candidate, with lisp, interviews for executive position at Citibank Interviewers: “Alan, where do you see yourself ten years from now?” Alan: “Running shitty bank.”

To determine a rabbit’s sex from afar, try sneaking up on them and shouting: if he runs, it’s a boy. If *she* runs, it’s a girl.

Why did the rope not get any presents? Because he was knotty.

Knock Knock. who’s there? Netanya Netanya who? Yep… thanks Obama.

A cup of coffee just walked up to my girlfriend and called her a ‘whore’. I didn’t even react. I think my caffeine tolerance is too high

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

What do you call a black Roy Rogers. Leroy Rogers.

I yelled “shotgun”, long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat. I hate cops.