Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:…… Me: Its all there.

if girl is in love – Her parent Ask: Who is that Idiot..? If Boy is in love – His parent Ask: Idiot, Who is that Girl..? Moral :: No matter who ever is in love… Boys Are Always Idiot 😛 (LOL)

My dog wouldn’t shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.

This mop seemed a lot more exciting on the infomercial.

Did you hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog

And then there was the UCLA professor who opened up his vest pulled out his tie and wet his pants.

Is the age of consent for dogs 18 or 2.572?? (Need to know ASAP)

Hey why isn’t Phil Hughes playing in the test today? Oh didn’t you hear, he was the first Australian to be killed by ebola!

Nothing like wearing a pair of crocs to say “I have no aspirations of getting laid tonight!”

Talking to my friend about how useless I am with ladies… Me: “I even had to stand on a damn ladder yesterday just to kiss my date goodnight…” Him: “Wow, was she tall?” “No, she hung herself.”