I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it’s the right amount.

The new Linkin Park album

Two condoms are walking down a street… When they come across a gay bar, one condom turns to the other and asks, “What do you think? Feel like getting shit-faced tonight?”

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me

I kidnapped this girl last night… And she yelled “Please, I don’t want to die a virgin!”. If that isn’t consent, I don’t know what is.

A cowboy was shopping for a wiener dog some told him to get a long little doggy.

“Egocentric” is an anagram of “Geocentric” I guess the world really does revolve around me…

I’ve invented a new sex position: the 114 I was 69ing with this girl wen her husband came home and shoved a 45 up my ass