What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead baby? I don’t have a Lamborghini

What did the doctor say to the injured gingerbread man? Why don’t you try icing it

Wife: Who let the boys out? Me: Woof woof woof! Her: Who let the boys out?! Me: Woof woof woof! Her: KIDS ARE IN THE STREET! Me: I’m going..

Did you hear Sea World is removing their Orca attraction? Whale it’s about time!

*sees couple making out* Come on, get a room. Get a house with a bunch of rooms. Start a family, I think you’d have beautiful children.

I made this joke up in my sleep… seriously. What does a bird say when he enters Nofrills? “Cheap, Cheap, Cheap…”

It sucks being a dick. Your best friend is a pussy, and your closest friend is an asshole.*a real asshole*

Why don’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

What’s the difference between an 8 year old and a big bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall off a balcony

Why don’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is!