Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

“Hey bro can you leave me some of the snack? You’re eating way too much.” I said “sure”, then proceeded to put the cat down.

Why did the coach go to Aldi? To get his quarterback.

What did the French guy say when he forgot to tell his driver to turn left? Oh, gosh!

[son’s football game] Other dad: which one’s yours? Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Look ask me when I get back from India okay?

What’s a sailor’s favorite kind of knot? It’s a tie.

What kind of bees produce milk? booBEES. I’m so sorry..

If you’re a Liverpool Fan you are currently doing one of these three things: 1) Defending Gerrard 2) Defending Suarez 3) Kissing your sister

I decided to get my girlfriend & her sister new jackets for Christmas That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.