How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? trick question: you don’t need a light bulb when you have a glass ceiling

WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

How many letters are there in the Pirate Alphabet? Ten. Aye, aye, arr, and the seven seas.

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

What’s the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn’t pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face. credit to /u/crashdemon.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

I know a really good knock knock joke! However someone else has to start it

“Oh my god, you’ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?” – my mother

Just saw a five year old in a track suit & a gold chain. His nana didn’t think it was funny when I asked him if he could hook up some blow.

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.