Why didn’t the Avatar want to fight the Fire Nation? Because they gave him Aang-xiety

I hate going to liquor stores. Everyone wines about everything.

What’s Hitler’s favorite species of shark? The Great White.

Dead baby joke What’s the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe? I don’t hang mistletoe at Christmas time

Someone stole my mood ring the other day… I still don’t know how I feel about it

I’m gonna open a bakery in Germany. I’ll call it “Gluten Tag!” K-THX-BAI!!!!!

What do Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville have in common ? They both shafted minors in the 1980’s.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest weakness? Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics Interviewer: Could you give me an example? Me: Yes I could

A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth. Now I’m nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars] “Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”