What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

Sorry, I can’t take your call right now, I’m all tied up. -submissive’s answering machine.

Turns out Danny Devito isn’t so short after all… …just found out the figurines on his parents’ wedding cake were actual size.

she told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt… so I fucked her twice and punched her in the mouth.

“Can I axe you something?” is actually grammatically correct, if you’re a polite lumberjack

Q: Why does Father Time wear bandages? A: Because day breaks and night falls.

What do ya call it when a lizard goes completely limp? A reptile-dysfunction.

Strings are usually pretty straight Unless they’re knot

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger scooby: ruh roh shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know scooby: ruck roo

What does the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit