1. Rage against the machine. 2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in. 3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

My public masturbation was going smoothly until.. ..I got off on a tan gent

Why couldn’t Jesus waterski? Because he never existed.

How can you tell when an idiot’s depressed? Go stand in front of a mirror

I’ve been busy. What are we unnecessarily outraged about now?

What’s the difference between a Jew and Jewels? Jewels have 3 extra letters.

I like my women like I like my steak pink in the middle but not bleeding.

What do you call a Muslim optician who doesn’t give a fuck about his patients? Asif Eyecare

A rapist, a con-artist and a fascist walk into a bar… The bartender says ‘What’ll it be Mr President?’

What did the popular astrophysicist’s father say to him after his cleat came undone at soccer practice? “Kneel in the grass and tie, son.”