A tearful Ray Romano raises the gun to his temple. ‘not everybody’ he whispers ‘not everybody’

*sees baby* *feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore* *sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes* *sadness evaporates*

Hello sir, I’m from your internet provider. You recently said that “homosexuality is wrong”, so we’ve blocked you from seeing lesbian porn.

What are the two main differences between a Chihuahua and a German shepherd? 1. Spelling 2. Pronunciation

Crap happens Called in sick to work cause I had a stomach ache and felt constipated. Got fired. Couldn’t give a crap even if I wanted to.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye Doyouthinkhesawus. What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes Dontthinkhesawus.

Why are Nazis so good at math? They always come up with the final solution.

My friend is afraid of fruit. So I told him to grow a pear.

A corgi walks into a bar Bartender: what can I ge… Corgi: I’ll have a jack and coke Bartender: why the short paws?

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?