Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole “man’s best friend” thing.

Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do

Pizza. It’s what separates us from the animals.

As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers… So I have. She’s 25 and her name is Candy.

My wife told me she thought the clone troopers were kinda hot I told her she might have a Fettish.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

I already have a date for Valentine’s Day February 14th

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? fish.

Have you ever answered your own question? Why yes, I have!

Jack is coming over. “Jack from work or Jack and the…” [a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]