BAD COP: Throw the book at him. GOODREADS COP: OK! Check out Ruby, the beautiful and devastating debut novel by Cynthia Bond. 12

I hate it when the used car salesman is just a car wearing a suit.

Yo momma is so fat and old… When she farted it created the universe

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant* Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

I like my coffee how I like my slaves… Free.

Anyone who can tell if they’re speeding up or slowing down a ceiling fan on the first try is a wizard and should not be trusted.

I painted my computer black… thinking it would run faster but it just stopped working

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

If towels told jokes… They’d probably have a very dry sense of humor.

I took my BMW to the mechanic today after a strange light came on. I asked him what it was, as I’ve never seen it before. Apparently it was called an indicator, does anyone know what it’s for?