What do you call it when a snake can’t perform sexually? Ereptile dysfunction

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried & then she hugged me.

My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.

What do you call the hair of a centaur? Humane.

The best advice my parents ever gave me was not to push too hard because that’s how Elvis died.

What type of person does cocaine after taking a shot? A linebacker I came up with this on the toilet… Hope it’s not old.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice? Me: *winks* -Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

The toy inside my McDonald’s Apathy Meal is just a lump of gray plastic and an instruction sheet that says “Whatever. This job sucks.”

What do you call two identical boobs? Identitties.

What was the slutty nurse looking for in October? A Hallowiener.