If only Steve Irwin wore sun screen. He could have been protected from harmful rays.

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You’re Welcome..

.@Oprah If I were as rich as you I’d shit on the floor & tell a senator to pick it up.

Never laughed so hard before watch:D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVYS0bbB70s&list=UUL8eY2HmvEDEFvKE3SCL9vw

Outsize Clothes-buying by Ellie Fant

I wish I was in better shape but I also wish I could fast-forward this pizza tracker.

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100 ME: 100..99..98 ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what? ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

I don’t know why I still tell “just the tip” jokes. I’m not even that into them.

One good way to prepare for marriage is to have someone come over and critique the way you load the dishwasher.

All the guys complaining about my thighs touching each other… If you were this close to my vagina you’d be touching yourself too.