Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad… Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

If I had a dollar for every woman who found me unattractive… They would eventually find me attractive

Why do men give their penises names? Because they don’t want a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.

I ran over some flowers when I was mowing today Whoopsy-daisy!

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Christmas Jokes (I know it’s a bit late) Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naught girls live! What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snow balls

From my 7yo: “Why did the moon marry the sun?” Because the sun is hott.

My boss was honest with me today as we walked into a bar He’s an alcoholic and it’s destroying his family.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

I just got into an argument with Mrs. Fields She was one tough cookie