I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

What does an aging Mafia boss do for his birthday? Forget about it.

we’re going to have a president named jeb. president jeb.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards… … it becomes a show where people pay money to ask questions.

I found out I was can’t wear latex condoms They give me an allergic erection

As a guy in the porn industry… I work hard.

Let me clarify that I am not racist. We have a black in my family tree. We just haven’t cut him down yet.

I remember when [person x] was just *this* big (hold hand at knee level)… Then as I got closer I realized it was a matter of perspective.

Two gay men walk into a church. And they walk out as a married couple 🙂 congratulations America

[office meeting] BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs? SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?