I went to the doctor with a hearing problem… I told him I got fucked in the ear. Now I have hearing aids.

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

What do you call a cheap hooker? A bang for your buck.

Two fish are swimming in a tank… one looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?”

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. Me: I know, right? Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence. Me: High-5. Me: Word.

all I wanna do is [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] move to a safer neighborhood

How did Godzilla escape the trains? He threw them off their tracks.

What’s the difference between a nazi and a gay guy? 45 degrees of the wrist

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?” Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.” Man: “Wow – so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?” Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

Knock Knock…. -Knock Knock… -Who’s There -Panther -Panther who? -Panther no pants, I’m going swimming!