What do you call a redneck orgy? A family reunion.

Elton John was asked if he’d like an iceberg lettuce in his salad he thought for a moment and replied “no thanks, I’m a rocket man”

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

Do stoners just call it a five? Do native American Indians just ask ‘Are you?’ after greeting someone? Do Canadians buy smaller batteries by accident, eh?

I was reading a newspaper, and the headline said,”America is without a leader!” I said,”That’s unpresidented!”

Monster: I’ve got to walk 25 miles home.’ Ghost: Why don’t you take a train? Monster: I did once but my mother made me give it back.

“Sure it’s a dental PRACTICE, but dont fret, I know what I’m doing. Open wide.” *opens wide* “Ok which ones are the teeths? Where are teeth”

What do you call a Hawaiian homosexual? A tropical fruit.

I keep having hallucinations of pickles. My therapist says I’m dillusional.

Ladies & gentleman this is ur captain speaking. I havent seen the new Star Wars yet. If I hear u discussing spoilers I will crash this plane