Why do female zombies have such a terrible sex life? Because whenever they shout, “I want you inside me.” all of the guys run away.

I got free admission for life at SeaWorld For being an Orca Whale.

I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality… …but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

A robber walks into a bakery, and pulls out a gun. “Give me the dough!”

i’ve got a pilot’s licence… and i’m not giving it back to him. luckily he’s too drunk to notice.

What’s the hardest part about eating your vegetables? Digesting the wheelchair.

What does an IT guy use for birth control? His personality.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic… But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

The Da Vinci Code talks a lot about it Jesus had a child… But what about the second cuming?