I’ve seen Han Solo land the Millennium Falcon on an asteroid, I’m sure he can handle landing a plane on a golf course.

Teacher to Student: Why are you late? Student: Because of the sign on the road. Teacher: What type of sign? Student: The sign that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

I’m creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. “Hi, I’m a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner.” No thanks.

I love telling jokes… But I always punch up the fuck line. Shit!

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal. It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

My brother told me I have the body of a god. Buddha!

If a transvestite goes missing… Should we put their picture on a carton of half and half?

What did the woman from Finland say after seeing an old man fall in the water, knowing he couldn’t swim? “Oh no, Helsinki! He Finnish!”

The word resume has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. “Sir, we have good news and bad news.”