Engraved on a hypochondriac’s tombstone… See, I told you I was sick.

Having to get just a cucumber at the store can be awkward. Especially if you panic & say, “It’s not what you think, it just for a salad.”

Why do psychics ask questions?

Rick Santorum drops out and throws his support to Ted Cruz Thanks for nothing!

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

My favourite thing about Pedophilia jokes… Is that they never get old!

There is never an excuse to use a contract killer Always pay-as-you-go.

When you complain about dropping your phone remember that there are people who are starving who’ll totally make you another one.

If one quits quitting… Are they still a quitter?

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 kept blowing up and starting on fire