On the way to school… tl;dr

I painted my computer black hoping it would run faster, but now it just doesn’t work.

What do you call a terrorist’s girlfriend? A Guantanamo Bae Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

What’s a hipsters favorite season? Summer, they like it before it’s cool

You Suck Originally I had hope and dreams of becoming somebody but thanks to you and the society we live in it’s never going to happen

Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening An ‘anti Trump’ protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

Where’s my cell? “Right there.” That’s not my phone. “Yes it is. I cleaned it!” My cell’s white?

Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they’ll age, and most of them you regret creating.

A friend of mine is going to cosmetology school… I told her all the tests will be make-up exams.

What’s the difference between a joke and 3 dicks? Your mom can’t take a joke.