So I asked my North Korean frien how is life was going. He said “can’t complain”

When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make? Guac!

What’s the best thing to put into a pie Your teeth.

What do you say to a redhead who has just been insulted? Aw-burn!

Im sat here looking at my glass half empty….. Everyone is telling me that I should look at my glass half full, but i just want to know, WHO THE FUCK DRANK MY DRINK

See these teardrop tattoos? I got one for every time I cried in jail.

I’m really sick of my job. It’s always “copy this”, “print that”, “you left your bra in the break room again.”

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

Have you ever done it kitty style? It’s like doggy style, but with purring, scratching and biting.

I went to the optometrist the other day and he told me I was colourblind… It came right out of the purple