Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.

What do you call a nun in a wheel-chair? Virgin Mobile!

I’m getting really tired of this shit No, seriously, I’ve been sitting here pushing for like 25 minutes but nothing will come out and I’m exhausted.

I’VE GOT (( PROBLEMS AND A STUCK SHIFT KEY IS ONE.

How do you know when you’re at a gay barbecue? All the hot dogs taste like shit.

My Mother in law said to me: “I’ll dance on your grave, when you’re dead” “Good!” I said, “I’m being buried at sea.”

Him: What gets you hot, baby? Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent. H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob! M: *swoons*

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You’re welcome.

The first rule of Chinese Whispers Club is… …don’t talk about Tiny Whiskers Grub

if the gas station is 2 miles away.. ..and my dad’s car can travel at 60mph, why hasn’t he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?