my cat: *hacking up a hairball* my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

A black guy a Mexican and a Jew walk in to a bar The bartender says “what is this a fucking joke?”

What did the statistician say to the hooker as he pulled out his 5.2-inch manhood? “I heard you suck a mean cock”

Nobody questions me when I watch a NSFW video at work because I’m a porn movie editor

I told my cat she was adopted and now she’s not talking to me.

What’s white and covers the road in the early morning? Employed people.

How is Halloween celebrated in Kentucky? pumpkin

A redhead tells her blonde friend she had sex with a Brazilian while on vacation. The blonde says, “You slut! How many is a brazilian?”

Are you from Memphis? Cause you look like your parents were related.