What does a proofreader have in common with a vampire? They search for type-os

If you’re in a relationship. I don’t know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera . You attention seeking hoe

I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

A 90 year old man used to tell me this same joke every time I saw him. I went to the Dr. today. He said he needed blood, semen, and fecal samples….So I gave him my underwear and walked out.

This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.

What do you get when you do laundry and accidentally leave chocolate in your pocket? Lindt choclate.

How many Pao’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck you.

What’s the difference between a snow-man and a snow-woman Snowballs