Did you hear about the guy who accidentally washed his wallet? He was arrested for money laundering

I could die But I’m afraid of the reapercussions

Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.

*standing behind home plate* -Beware of my dog-like reflexes. -Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes? *catches baseball with my face*

What is the difference between a blonde and a blonde dude? The blonde has a higher sperm count.

Golfer: “Well I have never played this badly before! Caddy: “I didn’t realize you had played before sir.”

What do we want? Apathy! When do we want it? Oh, you know, whenever.

There are 2 hamsters in the airing cupboard, which one is from the Army? A: The one on the tank

Did you hear about the stupid photographer? He saved burned out lightbulbs for use in his darkroom.

Two mexicans are playing Call Of Duty… It was A Juan v. Juan match.