I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

What do you call a hippopotamus wearing Tie Dye? … A hippiepotamus

Whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe? (first ever post in a year on reddit!) One has hydraulics and the other high bollocks! Brilliantly told by my Irish cousin.

Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

I’m allergic to chickpeas. Any time I eat them I falafel.

My grandpa believes he is best friends with Freud. But I keep telling him he is just a Sigmund of his imagination.

Had to check IMDB to make sure there really aren’t any more Shrek films in development. Now I can sleep.

Want to hear a joke? Windows vista

Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those fuckers.