I need some help with my Halloween costume. I’m dressing up as Ebola and I want to make sure everyone gets it.

If sex is a pain in the ass … Then you’re doing it wrong.

A dog walks into a bar and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

First Jon Stewart retires, then Brian Williams gets suspended. What’s happening to fake news?

I saw a “best at sex” contest for gay men, where the judges were your fellow participants. It looked fun, so I entered the competition.

How do they know Princess Diana had dandruff? Because they found her Head n’ Shoulders in the glove box.

How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.

You know what the worlds best play on words is? Scrabble.

What is a difference between those who left USSR for Canada in 1972 and those who left USSR in and after 1991. In 1972, people ran from Socialism, and in 1991 into Socialism.

I just got back from my friend’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball… It was a lovely service.