Who would rule in a dog world ? The pawlice.

The waiter asked if I wanted any salt for my steak… I told him to pepper my angus 😉

Why didn’t the terminator upgrade to windows 10? I asked him and he said, “I still love vista, baby!”

I went to the doctors with hearing problems… He said “Can you describe the symptoms?” So I replied “Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair”

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

What is green, fuzzy and very deadly if it falls on you out of a tree? A pool table.

Yo mama is like an Arcade Machine … put the quarters in the Pussy and play with the titties

Why did Jesus get pulled over for drunk driving? He had a blood alcohol content of 12.00%. It’s made of wine, after all.

What did the blind man say when he passed by the fish shop? Hello ladies

When a cashier thanks you for your purchase, unsettle them by looking deep in their eyes and softly saying, “Anything for a friend.”